The big, fat elephant in the room

Yesterday my mum and my sister headed off on a holiday to Berlin and Paris. Firstly they will be catching up with my aunt, uncle and cousin in Berlin, then they will go on to spend over a week in Paris. I'm sure they will have a fantastic time. How could you not on a trip like that? 

Today I am reluctantly addressing a topic that I have been too afraid and ashamed to speak about. I have been waiting for the "right time" to discuss it, but I realise now that I don't think there ever will be a "right time" where I feel totally comfortable. 

To put it bluntly, I got fat. 

http://www.myspace.com/gastonsgirl76/blog/531257725 

It makes me feel so uncomfortable to write it, but it is true. Like many young people I gained a few kilos in year 12 and then a few more in first year uni. The dramatic gain happened in second year uni, when I was depressed. Overall, I estimate that I became about 20 kilos heavier than what is a happy, healthy weight for my frame. 

There were many, many things that contributed to my weight gain. Depression was one, an injury and a serious acute illness that prevented me from exercising for months on end was another. Family issues and the stress of things like my grandfather's illness (before he died) didn't help. Strange issues that I've had with food since childhood also played a role as well as simply making bad choices about what I put in my mouth.

Over the year that was 2012 I lost 16kg. To some people that might sound like a lot, to others not much. I am satisfied with this progress. There have been highs and lows but I have been determined to not only reduce the number on the scales but to address the problems that caused the gain in the first place. 

As anyone I live with will tell you, I am a very long way from perfect in terms of my diet and exercise habits. This doesn't worry me though, I don't need to be perfect, I just need to keep making sustainable progress. 

I was sick of the cycle of disappointment; starting a health regime (read: crash diet), being really strict for the first few weeks, getting great results then inevitably bingeing like crazy when my poor body couldn't stand another day of shakes/no carbs/whatever-dumb-thing-I-was-doing-that-I-knew-better-than-to-have-even-tried. 

This cycle really messed me up. I felt like I literally couldn't take it anymore. The idea of spending another birthday, Christmas or social gathering wishing I was invisible was rotting me from the inside. My views on myself were very dark, destructive and started to scare me. 

Thankfully I came a realisation; it wasn't that I didn't want to live at all, I just didn't want to live like that anymore. During that horribleness I made one really good choice, I told my mum how I felt. I was so overwhelmed. Without her help, support and love it would have been so much harder to reach the point I'm at today. 

I am sharing this because when I was really struggling I felt so alone. I think we as people get very good at pretending everything is fine when it isn't. It is part of our culture and society to be polite and share a notion of not wanting to burden one another with problems. 

Through the eyes of my depressed brain it looked like everyone else had their lives all worked out or were at least keeping their proverbial shit together far better than I was. I felt like such a failure for not being able to deal with my struggles alone. From this I learned that being open and honest with my struggles and imperfections not only helps me better accept myself but hopefully sends a message to everyone around me that I can accept my own flaws, so I can accept yours too.

Being unhappy with my body destroyed my confidence. With the support of my family (especially my mum) and close friends I have been slowly rebuilding it, but there is still a way to go. I really miss feeling comfortable in my own skin and for me that means going out, living my life and thoughts of my appearance never crossing my mind. When I am at my most comfortable with my appearance it I just forget about it. 

I have been experiencing a very frustrating plateau that I am determined to see the other side of. My first goal of 2013 is to rip through the plateau. I have set myself a time frame, 6 weeks. In these 6 weeks I want to have made substantial progress and left the plateau in my wake. Throughout the 6 weeks I'll keep you all updated on what and how I'm doing. This will help keep me accountable and I will recruit you readers as a part of my support network. 

My second goal is to make 2013 the year for confidence. I truly believe that a wholehearted confidence built on self-acceptance is the most beautiful thing a person can have. I want to be a happy, productive and positive person for my own sanity and so that I can influence others this way. I think this will be a goal that I have to work very hard at throughout my entire life, but today is the day where I chose to accept the challenge.