The big, fat elephant in the room

Yesterday my mum and my sister headed off on a holiday to Berlin and Paris. Firstly they will be catching up with my aunt, uncle and cousin in Berlin, then they will go on to spend over a week in Paris. I'm sure they will have a fantastic time. How could you not on a trip like that? 

Today I am reluctantly addressing a topic that I have been too afraid and ashamed to speak about. I have been waiting for the "right time" to discuss it, but I realise now that I don't think there ever will be a "right time" where I feel totally comfortable. 

To put it bluntly, I got fat. 

http://www.myspace.com/gastonsgirl76/blog/531257725 

It makes me feel so uncomfortable to write it, but it is true. Like many young people I gained a few kilos in year 12 and then a few more in first year uni. The dramatic gain happened in second year uni, when I was depressed. Overall, I estimate that I became about 20 kilos heavier than what is a happy, healthy weight for my frame. 

There were many, many things that contributed to my weight gain. Depression was one, an injury and a serious acute illness that prevented me from exercising for months on end was another. Family issues and the stress of things like my grandfather's illness (before he died) didn't help. Strange issues that I've had with food since childhood also played a role as well as simply making bad choices about what I put in my mouth.

Over the year that was 2012 I lost 16kg. To some people that might sound like a lot, to others not much. I am satisfied with this progress. There have been highs and lows but I have been determined to not only reduce the number on the scales but to address the problems that caused the gain in the first place. 

As anyone I live with will tell you, I am a very long way from perfect in terms of my diet and exercise habits. This doesn't worry me though, I don't need to be perfect, I just need to keep making sustainable progress. 

I was sick of the cycle of disappointment; starting a health regime (read: crash diet), being really strict for the first few weeks, getting great results then inevitably bingeing like crazy when my poor body couldn't stand another day of shakes/no carbs/whatever-dumb-thing-I-was-doing-that-I-knew-better-than-to-have-even-tried. 

This cycle really messed me up. I felt like I literally couldn't take it anymore. The idea of spending another birthday, Christmas or social gathering wishing I was invisible was rotting me from the inside. My views on myself were very dark, destructive and started to scare me. 

Thankfully I came a realisation; it wasn't that I didn't want to live at all, I just didn't want to live like that anymore. During that horribleness I made one really good choice, I told my mum how I felt. I was so overwhelmed. Without her help, support and love it would have been so much harder to reach the point I'm at today. 

I am sharing this because when I was really struggling I felt so alone. I think we as people get very good at pretending everything is fine when it isn't. It is part of our culture and society to be polite and share a notion of not wanting to burden one another with problems. 

Through the eyes of my depressed brain it looked like everyone else had their lives all worked out or were at least keeping their proverbial shit together far better than I was. I felt like such a failure for not being able to deal with my struggles alone. From this I learned that being open and honest with my struggles and imperfections not only helps me better accept myself but hopefully sends a message to everyone around me that I can accept my own flaws, so I can accept yours too.

Being unhappy with my body destroyed my confidence. With the support of my family (especially my mum) and close friends I have been slowly rebuilding it, but there is still a way to go. I really miss feeling comfortable in my own skin and for me that means going out, living my life and thoughts of my appearance never crossing my mind. When I am at my most comfortable with my appearance it I just forget about it. 

I have been experiencing a very frustrating plateau that I am determined to see the other side of. My first goal of 2013 is to rip through the plateau. I have set myself a time frame, 6 weeks. In these 6 weeks I want to have made substantial progress and left the plateau in my wake. Throughout the 6 weeks I'll keep you all updated on what and how I'm doing. This will help keep me accountable and I will recruit you readers as a part of my support network. 

My second goal is to make 2013 the year for confidence. I truly believe that a wholehearted confidence built on self-acceptance is the most beautiful thing a person can have. I want to be a happy, productive and positive person for my own sanity and so that I can influence others this way. I think this will be a goal that I have to work very hard at throughout my entire life, but today is the day where I chose to accept the challenge. 

Balance, beauty and attitude

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/the-olympics/images/31733948/title/catalina-ponor-silver-medalist-gymnastics-floor-london-2012-photo

I have had this picture of Catalina Ponor saved as a draft post for a little while, waiting for an excuse to use it. I have it saved because she is one of my favourite gymnasts. 

She won three gold medals at the Olympics in 2004 as a seventeen year old; with the Romanian team, on floor and on beam. She retired in 2007 and did not go to the Beijing Olympics. In 2011, Catalina returned to competitive gymnastics after a four year absence, looking like she had never left. In a sport that produces so few dual Olympians, let alone gymnasts who are able to leave the sport and return to it competitively, she is somewhat remarkable. Catalina won a silver medal and a bronze medal at the London Games, a few days short of her 25th birthday. 

Another remarkable fact about Catalina's career as a gymnast is that she has never fallen off the beam in international competition. For those of you unfamiliar with gymnastics (and by some miracle are still reading), the beam is 10cm wide and 124cm high. Even the great "perfect" Nadia Comaneci fell off beam during her incredible career. 

I love and hate coaching balance beam. Gymnastics is a difficult sport that requires hard work and focus from word go if you wish to succeed. One of the many things that can turn a young girl off of gymnastics is balance beam. 

Succeeding on beam requires strength, flexibility and skill as well as balance, grace and tact. Most of all it requires fearlessness or the ability to embrace fear and use it positively. It is so frustrating coaching a gymnast who has the physical ability to complete a skill but is too afraid to do it on the beam and looks to you for an answer.

Theoretically, any skill you can perform consistently on a line, you should be able to perform with equal ease on the beam. The only difference is the level of risk. To succeed on the beam you need the kind of confidence that says "if I can do it on a line, I can do it on the beam". A confidence that says I don't care if if I split the beam, take the skin off my shins or land on my face/head/ribs/knee/side. The kind of confidence that means you love the risk. 

The most dangerous thing you can do in gymnastics is "baulk" - abort the skill you are attempting part way through. Your chances of injury are so much higher if you do this. If you complete the attempt, even if you can feel that it will not be good, you have a greater chance of landing safely, even if you don't land well.

Succeeding on beam is like beating Roger Federer, you have to believe you are going to win and leave respect at the door. As soon as doubt creeps in, your chances of success creep out.

Guiding young gymnasts toward this confidence if they don't have it naturally is one of the greatest challenges I have encountered as a coach thus far. It can take a very long time and often the gymnast becomes frustrated and quits before they get there. It also requires an individual approach for each gymnast, which is difficult to do when you have to divide your attention equally among the athletes you are teaching.

The challenge of the balance beam is an obvious metaphor for great challenges in life. In other situations or on other apparatus it is easier to cover mistakes or get by without having a wholehearted belief in yourself. When facing a great challenge in life you can't let failure into your mind or you'll bring it about. Similarly, most of the time the worst thing you can do when you're facing something awful is give up part way through. You have to either go full steam ahead or don't try.

What I love most about Catalina is her attitude. Before the Olympics last year she was asked in an interview if she was worried about injury in the lead up to the Games. Her answer follows,

“If I get injured, I swear I will bite my leg or arm off and compete like that.”

She is fierce, determined and I think she'd probably snort in your face and spit on your shoes before giving up or losing focus. It's a pinch or two of that kind of attitude that I want to take with me in 2013.

Lucky 13

8 days in and I'm finally writing my New Year blog! Bad Blogger, bad, bad blogger.

First of all, happy birthday to the blog. I didn't know when I started blogging just how rewarding an experience it would be. I have given the page a new name and a new look and I'm looking forward to sharing more of my news and views in 2013. 

Secondly, it was my Dad's 50th birthday on New Years Day. We had a fantastic party surrounded by lovely people. At the end of the night the whole family and some friends caught the tram home. The navy blue and white helium balloons that decorated the venue came on the tram with us, carried by my brother. That is certainly one way to draw attention to yourself on public transport! 

My Dad is an exemplary man and I am so lucky to have his unwavering love, support and friendship. Thank you Dad and I trust you enjoyed your birthday.

The New Year is a time of year I find particularly amusing. For every person on a high of "clean slate" optimism, there are miserable, cynical folk telling everyone how new year is just another day and that no ones resolutions will last. I find both of these groups amusing because I don't think either end up very happy. Those who set ridiculously unattainable goals on December 1st usually crash and burn. On the other hand, the cynical folk spend most of their time criticizing other people and don't generate any form of positivity. 

I think a middle road approach is most effective. Goal setting is important to me and I think most people benefit from setting attainable and realistic goals. I liken New Years resolutions to being the crash diets of the goal setting world, whilst they may have some positive aspects, we all know better than to set ourselves such lofty and extreme goals and are left and disappointed and dejected when failure ensues. 

Like leading a healthy lifestyle, becoming a truly goal oriented and habitually successful goal achiever is much harder and requires a lot more work. Whilst I was taught many times how to plan for success in primary school and high school, the penny didn't drop for me properly until I second year, second semester of my Arts degree. 

It was the constraints of depression that forced me to become a lot more organised and to develop a reliable goal setting pattern. My natural inclination is to have intense periods of productivity where I can achieve a lot in a very short space of time. When I am well I am the kind of person who can start from zero, research and write a 1000 word essay in 2.5-3 hours. 

When I was depressed my energy levels and memory were not functioning anywhere close to normal, so I had to become a lot more organised to prevent myself from forgetting important things like assignment deadlines or appointments. I was forced to break my tasks down into  smaller, more manageable chunks, as I was not getting the bursts of energy I used to to churn through large tasks in single sittings. 

During this time I bought a year long wall planner, a white board and a notepad. I marked out all my assessment deadlines on the wall planner so that I was constantly reminded of the. I also marked the days off as they passed so that I could see how close I was getting to a deadline. I would write out the things I had to get done in the week on my whiteboard, in a far more detailed fashion that would fit on the wall planner. The notepad lived on my bedside table, I would plan the day ahead on it as well as being a handy place to jot things down if I remembered something in the middle of the night, so I would not lie awake worried about forgetting it. 

Being depressed helped me become more resilient. I am lucky to be a person with a wide range of abilities. However, this meant that I didn't have to try much to achieve good results, especially as a younger child and adolescent. If I'm very honest, I was (wrongfully) proud of this. Being depressed made me aware of how much more important your effort levels are than natural ability. It was until I had to overcome low mood, low energy levels, sleep problems and having no interest in things I used to enjoy that I began to appreciate the value of persistence and effort. It forced me to start developing a consistent work ethic.

Being depressed was awful but with the support of my doctor and my family I have come out the other side a more productive human being than I was beforehand. I am now onto my third wall planner and have two more whiteboards!

The new year is just beginning and I have so much to look forward to. 2012 was a huge year and it is difficult to comprehend just how different my life looks now that it is behind me. I am currently in reflection mode, looking back over the things I achieved in 2012, in order to build on that success and address weaknesses through my goals for 2013. I will share them here as I make them. 

I am also preparing myself for another year of major changes, the most pressing being another new uni course at a new uni and a new job. The great man, Dr Phil, says that successful people surround themselves with a nucleus of supporters. I think that is just a way of saying that "no person is an island" and those that do well in life are not afraid to use the human resources around them. Most people enjoy being involved in the lives of their friends and loved ones, successful people (apparently) are those who recognise this and capitalise upon it, rather than feeling the need to do everything on their own. 

I am very fortunate to have a solid nucleus of support people who helped me thrive in 2012 and I hope to be able to rely on their love and utilise their skills to make 2013 great.

My first goal for 2013 is to be a regular blogger. I started out as a once a day blogger, which ended up being too much for me. Over the busier months of the year I really let the blog slip and I don't want that to happen again. I have decided that in 2013 I will be a twice a week blogger and from now on I will post on Wednesday and Sunday each week. 

I have many other goals to do with my study, gymnastics coaching, health and fitness. Once I refine them I will share them with you and welcome any feedback. I would love to hear the sorts of challenges you are setting for yourself, too, if you wish to share. 

I'll speak to you again tomorrow :)

Hello Christmas, bye bye Chemist.

In less than a week my funny little blog will have its first birthday. 2012 has been an enormous year for me and I'm so glad I decided to write about it. I have had moments of great blogging and moments of great blog neglect. I am so thankful that the feedback I've had about my blog has been overwhelmingly positive, so the people in my life are either very complimentary or great liars! 

Today was a monumental day of sorts, it was my final shift at my job at the chemist. I quit the job two weeks ago and have now finished serving out my notice. It is a job that has taught me an enormous amount about myself, the Jewish community and the frightening and fascinating industry that is retail pharmacy. 

I think the job at the chemist was a rite of passage for me. The job at the law firm that I had prior to it was wonderful and a very gentle introduction to the world of employment. There wasn't much about the chemist that could be described at gentle. Certainly not the bare cement floor, the eight hour shifts or the spending hours stacking the shelves with incontinence products. I don't think my experience as a uni student would be complete without a somewhat demanding job in retail.

I have met some really fascinating people through working at the chemist, some of whom are colleagues that I very much hope will become "real world" friends. Some of the customers, on the other hand, I will not miss. One thing that I really appreciated about working at the chemist was that it was outside the East Malvern "bubble".  Most people live in a bubble, the area in their immediate locale that their life revolves around. I have a love/hate relationship with the East Malvern bubble. I appreciate living in such a quaint little corner of the universe and simultaneously find it to be somewhat narrow. If you entrench yourself too firmly in one place, it is too easy to lose perspective. If you only surround yourself with people who are similar to you, life can become a monotone. Working at the pharmacy provided me with a certain kind of light and shade that you can't find in the familiar.

There is a particular kind of honesty that comes with working in a pharmacy. When you are dealing with people when they are sick or seeking help for embarrassing conditions, you cannot afford to be precious about any much, let alone bodily functions. 

I am grateful for the diversity and knowledge that the pharmacy provided me with but the time to move on is certainly here. 

I have had the joy of seeing my Adelaide based relatives all together in Melbourne this year. For all the Adelaidians to make the effort to travel meant a lot to my Mum in particular.

Christmas can be stressful but I found it to be extraordinarily relaxed this year. My parents did a spectacular job of hosting and everything went incredibly smoothly. Even the church service we attended really nice. We went down to the local Uniting Church where the minister included a couple of youtube videos in the service, one of which made a passing mention to Jesus having two dads. Having spent a lot of time around the Catholic tradition, I am still surprised when I see Christianity practiced in more liberal and inclusive ways. It won't sway my atheism, but it  did remind me that religion does not have to be a used as an implement of judgement or ostracism.

There is something very special about having my aunt, uncle and cousin around the place. When my clan lived in Adelaide our families used to hang out together all the time. Being around them just feels do delightfully normal and relaxing. 

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family.

I trust you are resting peacefully

Dearest Pa, 

It has been two whole years since you died. I don't really believe in heaven, I'm fairly certain that once you die you're gone, but that doesn't stop me from talking to you constantly in my own little way.

I have two pictures of you up on my pin board in my room with other "important" pieces of paper, as well as one in my wallet. At first I put them there because I wanted to be reminded of you constantly. You had so much faith in me, such a great understanding of me and so much love for me. These are not the things I was worried about forgetting, though.

In the last year or so before you died I had not been doing all that well. I had had a serious acute illness, an injury and had been depressed. I was struggling to stay well and find my place in the world outside of school. My university work had suffered a lot but I had started to slowly pick myself up. I got my uni results while in Adelaide a few days before your funeral and they were really good. I thought you would be proud and most importantly, I was proud of myself again for the first time in a long time.

Listening to such a wide variety of people talk about how much they loved and respected you was unique experience for me. I idolised you growing up, but it was a different thing all together hearing such a wide variety of people express fondness and respect for you. I especially loved how the group of people who attended your funeral were so diverse. Whilst there were family, life long friends, Judges, QCs and South Australian Football administrators, there were also former secretaries, neighbours and folk from Victor Harbor. 

You achieved so many things in your rich and very well lived life. Having it spoken about so comprehensively reminded me of couple of important things. Firstly, the importance of wholeheartedly embracing the opportunities in your life. This sounds cliche to a lot of folk and there are a lot of folk who talk the talk but certainly do not walk the walk. Your love for South Australia and your belief that you could have the best and be the best in Adelaide was proven by your life. 

There is so much psychobabble spoken these days about living life to the fullest. What I love about you is that you just did it. You were a judge through and through, so you only ever spoke when you thought it was absolutely necessary and would have been happy to have your words etched in stone. I'm happy being more of a communicator than you were but you definitely demonstrated how you can fit a lot more "action" into life when you don't waste any time babbling. 

The other thing that touched me during that time of reflection on your life was that you treated all people around you, regardless of where they sit in society's pecking order, with the respect they deserved. Treating people based on their merits, not on societal perceptions of importance or status, is something I see as key to being a decent human being. This is something I try hard to emulate myself and have had modeled to me daily by my parents. 

Having spent two more years in the "real world" and meeting some truly wonderful and truly abhorrent people, since you died I have developed a deeper appreciation for the importance of integrity. You were an exemplary role model. 

What I really wanted to let you know is that I love you. I feel so grateful that of all the people in the world who thought you were important and special, you thought I was important and special. I am doing better and better by the day and I so want to make you and myself proud. 

I also have come to realise that whilst you were an extraordinary man, you were not perfect. There is a lot to learn from your life, but in many ways you were a man, father and husband of your generation. Whilst I want to contribute to my community, I think if I have a family of my own, I will want to be around them more and would expect a very different style of parenting from a prospective partner. 

I've always wanted to follow in your footsteps and I thought I had to become a lawyer to do that. I'm starting to realise that whilst the law was a huge part of your life, ironically for me, so was sports administration.  

Whilst my dream is to be a fantastic sports and exercise business person, I think the way I would most like to emulate you is by carving out my character and my life in the best way I can.

The older I grow, the more questions there are that I would like to ask you.   

I trust you are resting peacefully, wherever you are.

Lots of love,

Eliza

P.S. South Australia smashed Victoria in the cricket today. It seemed strangely appropriate.

106 is my favourite number this week

I have committed grave blog neglect lately. The "real world" has been a very busy place.

I am so proud of my brother for many reasons. He is currently on leadership camp, which is the camp a group of 40 boys from his school go on and from this group the school leaders (captains, prefects etc) will be selected. Receiving an invitation, however, does not guarantee the recipient a position. Being selected as part of this group of 40 out of a year level of 250 is a testament to the enthusiasm, pride and loyalty with which he has represented his school over the past 7.5 years. 

Yesterday Alex scored his first century as a batsman, making 106 playing cricket for his school. He also took 2 catches and took the final wicket to seal the victory. Sadly I was stuck working a 10 hour shift and couldn't be at the cricket, but the text updates from Mum that I checked during my breaks helped keep my spirits up. He has been in good form this year and it is great to see him enjoy performing to the best of his abilities.

He has worked hard for the success he is enjoying and has conducted himself with integrity in the face of disappointment as well as grace in victory. He is a fantastic kid and I'm so proud that he is my brother.

On Friday I received an early round offer for my preferred uni course for next year, Exercise and Sport Science/ Business (Sport Management) double degree at Deakin. I am so relieved that I won't have to wait until January to find out where I will be studying and now I can start putting my plans for my future into action. 

The only thing stopping me from being able to properly relax and enjoy my holidays will take place on Tuesday; dental surgery. After 21 years of straight forward dental health, I will be having 5 teeth removed. Two of these are wisdom teeth, two are baby teeth which have not fallen out on their own as well as one adult tooth which has been pushed into a strange position because the corresponding baby tooth never came out. As soon as I am healed I will be getting my braces on. Yippee. 

I do not have a particularly enjoyable week ahead, but I am looking forward to getting past it!

A dear friend of mine has moved back to her home city interstate this weekend as she faces a great deal of adversity. Her decision was a wise one and she was courageous to make it. Simultaneously I have admired my brother's ability to rise so magnificently above a disappointment on a smaller scale.

Life is full of trials, tribulations and adversity, both large and small. This keeps us challenged, stretches us to our limits and forces us to achieve on a level we didn't know we were capable of. 

Whatever difficulty you face this week, I wish for you strength, the wisdom or whatever else you may need (painkillers??) to overcome it. 

Turtles, golf balls and saying goodbye to Frankston

I'm right in the middle of my exams so I haven't posted anything for a little while. 

My last installment was a bit self-pitying, but I have since sorted myself out on that particular issue. It is hard when you face a situation that is easier to comprehend intellectually than emotionally. It is one thing to know how you ought to behave but quite another thing to feel like behaving that way. 

After a few days of trying to figure it out on my own, I had a chat with my mum who reassured me that what I was feeling was to be expected. I was glad I told her that I was struggling. I think it helped her by telling her how I was travelling so that she could a better idea how to interact with me, and I certainly felt better after talking things through. I say "talking things through", by that I mean more like blubbering and sniveling...

Over the last few weeks I have had the chance to see my brother play cricket for school. Cricket is very important to my brother and he loves representing his school. He was in the first XI squad last year but was not a regular member of this side, spending most of his game time in the seconds. He was selected in the firsts side for both the practice matches and made 40 not out opening the batting last weekend. 

The boys in the side are lovely and very charismatic kids and the parents are nice, too. This makes for a very sportingly entertaining and enjoyable way to spend a Saturday. The "real" season matches start next week and I hope to see as much of Brebles play as I can, paid work commitments permitting. He has worked very hard at his cricket since he was a tiny little tacker and I just have a good feeling about this season.

Today was a beautiful day in Melbourne. I had a very luxurious sleep in, read my book and played 9 holes of golf with my parents. The golf course where we play is so tranquil, even when I play horribly I love how I still get a long walk through manicured grass, trees and little lakes and ponds. The highlight of today was seeing a turtle walking across the fairway, as well as a mother duck and her ducklings and many little bunnies. 

Given that I haven't had a chance to get out onto the course in a few months, I was surprised with how respectable my form was.

This week I will journey out to the Monash University Peninsula Campus for the final time. Whilst I am so excited about my new course and the change of direction I'm taking, leaving Frankston is bittersweet. This year has been one of the best I've had in a long time. I feel that I have gained far more in this one year at Frankston than I did in the 3 years of my Arts degree. I am so thankful for the fantastic friends I have made and the lessons I have learned, both academic and personal. 

May contain traces of sarcasm

Having spent so much time recently thinking about what is important to me in life and what makes me happy, this little anecdote really appeals to me. I can't remember where I first saw it, I think it was probably on facebook. I think it is very poignant. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/263.html