I trust you are resting peacefully

Dearest Pa, 

It has been two whole years since you died. I don't really believe in heaven, I'm fairly certain that once you die you're gone, but that doesn't stop me from talking to you constantly in my own little way.

I have two pictures of you up on my pin board in my room with other "important" pieces of paper, as well as one in my wallet. At first I put them there because I wanted to be reminded of you constantly. You had so much faith in me, such a great understanding of me and so much love for me. These are not the things I was worried about forgetting, though.

In the last year or so before you died I had not been doing all that well. I had had a serious acute illness, an injury and had been depressed. I was struggling to stay well and find my place in the world outside of school. My university work had suffered a lot but I had started to slowly pick myself up. I got my uni results while in Adelaide a few days before your funeral and they were really good. I thought you would be proud and most importantly, I was proud of myself again for the first time in a long time.

Listening to such a wide variety of people talk about how much they loved and respected you was unique experience for me. I idolised you growing up, but it was a different thing all together hearing such a wide variety of people express fondness and respect for you. I especially loved how the group of people who attended your funeral were so diverse. Whilst there were family, life long friends, Judges, QCs and South Australian Football administrators, there were also former secretaries, neighbours and folk from Victor Harbor. 

You achieved so many things in your rich and very well lived life. Having it spoken about so comprehensively reminded me of couple of important things. Firstly, the importance of wholeheartedly embracing the opportunities in your life. This sounds cliche to a lot of folk and there are a lot of folk who talk the talk but certainly do not walk the walk. Your love for South Australia and your belief that you could have the best and be the best in Adelaide was proven by your life. 

There is so much psychobabble spoken these days about living life to the fullest. What I love about you is that you just did it. You were a judge through and through, so you only ever spoke when you thought it was absolutely necessary and would have been happy to have your words etched in stone. I'm happy being more of a communicator than you were but you definitely demonstrated how you can fit a lot more "action" into life when you don't waste any time babbling. 

The other thing that touched me during that time of reflection on your life was that you treated all people around you, regardless of where they sit in society's pecking order, with the respect they deserved. Treating people based on their merits, not on societal perceptions of importance or status, is something I see as key to being a decent human being. This is something I try hard to emulate myself and have had modeled to me daily by my parents. 

Having spent two more years in the "real world" and meeting some truly wonderful and truly abhorrent people, since you died I have developed a deeper appreciation for the importance of integrity. You were an exemplary role model. 

What I really wanted to let you know is that I love you. I feel so grateful that of all the people in the world who thought you were important and special, you thought I was important and special. I am doing better and better by the day and I so want to make you and myself proud. 

I also have come to realise that whilst you were an extraordinary man, you were not perfect. There is a lot to learn from your life, but in many ways you were a man, father and husband of your generation. Whilst I want to contribute to my community, I think if I have a family of my own, I will want to be around them more and would expect a very different style of parenting from a prospective partner. 

I've always wanted to follow in your footsteps and I thought I had to become a lawyer to do that. I'm starting to realise that whilst the law was a huge part of your life, ironically for me, so was sports administration.  

Whilst my dream is to be a fantastic sports and exercise business person, I think the way I would most like to emulate you is by carving out my character and my life in the best way I can.

The older I grow, the more questions there are that I would like to ask you.   

I trust you are resting peacefully, wherever you are.

Lots of love,

Eliza

P.S. South Australia smashed Victoria in the cricket today. It seemed strangely appropriate.

106 is my favourite number this week

I have committed grave blog neglect lately. The "real world" has been a very busy place.

I am so proud of my brother for many reasons. He is currently on leadership camp, which is the camp a group of 40 boys from his school go on and from this group the school leaders (captains, prefects etc) will be selected. Receiving an invitation, however, does not guarantee the recipient a position. Being selected as part of this group of 40 out of a year level of 250 is a testament to the enthusiasm, pride and loyalty with which he has represented his school over the past 7.5 years. 

Yesterday Alex scored his first century as a batsman, making 106 playing cricket for his school. He also took 2 catches and took the final wicket to seal the victory. Sadly I was stuck working a 10 hour shift and couldn't be at the cricket, but the text updates from Mum that I checked during my breaks helped keep my spirits up. He has been in good form this year and it is great to see him enjoy performing to the best of his abilities.

He has worked hard for the success he is enjoying and has conducted himself with integrity in the face of disappointment as well as grace in victory. He is a fantastic kid and I'm so proud that he is my brother.

On Friday I received an early round offer for my preferred uni course for next year, Exercise and Sport Science/ Business (Sport Management) double degree at Deakin. I am so relieved that I won't have to wait until January to find out where I will be studying and now I can start putting my plans for my future into action. 

The only thing stopping me from being able to properly relax and enjoy my holidays will take place on Tuesday; dental surgery. After 21 years of straight forward dental health, I will be having 5 teeth removed. Two of these are wisdom teeth, two are baby teeth which have not fallen out on their own as well as one adult tooth which has been pushed into a strange position because the corresponding baby tooth never came out. As soon as I am healed I will be getting my braces on. Yippee. 

I do not have a particularly enjoyable week ahead, but I am looking forward to getting past it!

A dear friend of mine has moved back to her home city interstate this weekend as she faces a great deal of adversity. Her decision was a wise one and she was courageous to make it. Simultaneously I have admired my brother's ability to rise so magnificently above a disappointment on a smaller scale.

Life is full of trials, tribulations and adversity, both large and small. This keeps us challenged, stretches us to our limits and forces us to achieve on a level we didn't know we were capable of. 

Whatever difficulty you face this week, I wish for you strength, the wisdom or whatever else you may need (painkillers??) to overcome it. 

Turtles, golf balls and saying goodbye to Frankston

I'm right in the middle of my exams so I haven't posted anything for a little while. 

My last installment was a bit self-pitying, but I have since sorted myself out on that particular issue. It is hard when you face a situation that is easier to comprehend intellectually than emotionally. It is one thing to know how you ought to behave but quite another thing to feel like behaving that way. 

After a few days of trying to figure it out on my own, I had a chat with my mum who reassured me that what I was feeling was to be expected. I was glad I told her that I was struggling. I think it helped her by telling her how I was travelling so that she could a better idea how to interact with me, and I certainly felt better after talking things through. I say "talking things through", by that I mean more like blubbering and sniveling...

Over the last few weeks I have had the chance to see my brother play cricket for school. Cricket is very important to my brother and he loves representing his school. He was in the first XI squad last year but was not a regular member of this side, spending most of his game time in the seconds. He was selected in the firsts side for both the practice matches and made 40 not out opening the batting last weekend. 

The boys in the side are lovely and very charismatic kids and the parents are nice, too. This makes for a very sportingly entertaining and enjoyable way to spend a Saturday. The "real" season matches start next week and I hope to see as much of Brebles play as I can, paid work commitments permitting. He has worked very hard at his cricket since he was a tiny little tacker and I just have a good feeling about this season.

Today was a beautiful day in Melbourne. I had a very luxurious sleep in, read my book and played 9 holes of golf with my parents. The golf course where we play is so tranquil, even when I play horribly I love how I still get a long walk through manicured grass, trees and little lakes and ponds. The highlight of today was seeing a turtle walking across the fairway, as well as a mother duck and her ducklings and many little bunnies. 

Given that I haven't had a chance to get out onto the course in a few months, I was surprised with how respectable my form was.

This week I will journey out to the Monash University Peninsula Campus for the final time. Whilst I am so excited about my new course and the change of direction I'm taking, leaving Frankston is bittersweet. This year has been one of the best I've had in a long time. I feel that I have gained far more in this one year at Frankston than I did in the 3 years of my Arts degree. I am so thankful for the fantastic friends I have made and the lessons I have learned, both academic and personal. 

May contain traces of sarcasm

Having spent so much time recently thinking about what is important to me in life and what makes me happy, this little anecdote really appeals to me. I can't remember where I first saw it, I think it was probably on facebook. I think it is very poignant. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/263.html

Shame on me

Dear Lizey,

Shame on you.

Life isn't fair, you know this, so stop expecting it to be. 

You must not let something that seems unfair affront you beyond proportion. Your time will come and you want it to be because you deserve the rewards that come your way and on terms that are compatible with your values.

Make it very clear in your mind, choices other people make are about them, not you. Don't create expectation for yourself based on what other people have or do. The world doesn't abide by your rules and values, but use this as an opportunity to reflect on why you value what you do and why those things are important. Remember that you have an image of the sort of person you want to be and you want to be that way when it is difficult to be, not just when it is easy.

You don't cope well when you can't make logical and rational sense of things. There is much about the here and now that defies logic. Stop trying to apply logic, ignore the unfairness and avoid feeling any injustice. Smile at the irony and apply a hefty dose of perspective. Do not analyse any further, no good can come from it.

I know that you are not upset about "missing out" in a situation where others are receiving.  I know you do not want what others will receive. I understand that you in turn do not wish to be a recipient of a gift of great magnitude just to be "on par" with others. 

You are upset because you would much rather have the people whose views you value most to be proud of what you have achieved, how far you have come and how hard you have worked. You find the idea of an "equalizer" somewhat hurtful when you would have much preferred acknowledgement. 

And that childish sense of rejection, just forget it. It isn't flattering.

Have the maturity to accept what you cannot change. Accept your emotional reaction, acknowledge what you feel then take a deep breath and move on. Be proud of yourself and how far you have come but do not be complacent. Dream, plan and work toward bigger, better and brighter things.

If you find yourself struggling with your emotions, apply gratitude liberally. This is well and truly a #firstworldproblem, don't forget that. There is so much to be thankful for.

The events of the past few weeks have caught you off guard but you need to remember not to make other people's troubles your own.

Focus on the challenge immediately ahead of you, your exams, as well as your health. You have been distracted and subsequently not applying your best effort to your study and now it is time to. You will regret it if you don't.  Imagine what the person you want to be would do, then do it. Embrace the responsibility and act accordingly. 

Be grateful for whatever may come your way and happy for those who are receiving. 

Be generous and gracious.

Above all, be kind to yourself and act in a way that does yourself and those around you justice. 

Love from,

Lizey

http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/209812/simple-spring-flowers-pretty.jpg

#YOLO

Sorry it's been a while between posts, if there is anyone out there reading this!

It has been a tiring week since I last posted. The reason I haven't written is because little of what has occupied the household has directly related to me. Earlier in the week friends of my family received some very bad news that is radically changing their lives. They are facing an enormous challenge, the kind that causes you to reflect on what is really important in life, the people you love.

One of my siblings is quite unwell at the moment and has had a very tough time with many aspects of their health this week. Thankfully they are now receiving the care they need and getting some much needed rest. 

This week I have been shocked and worried about other people and also very thankful that I have not been dealing with a crisis myself. I have been thinking about the measures I've already been taking to improve my own health and experiencing a boost in enthusiasm and motivation. I've also been thinking about the measures I'm taking to make my life happier, satisfying and meaningful and I'm pleased with the decisions I've made about my path of study for next year as well as doing things like taking up gymnastics coaching again. 

The only thing worth reporting that I actually did myself in this past week was book a holiday. A group of friends from uni are going to the Gold Coast for a week in late February next year. There will be at least 8 of us going and we have booked a fantastic holiday house. It is close to everything we need, will fit us all very comfortably and has its own pool. I booked my flights last Sunday and even though the trip is months away, I'm really excited. The kids from uni are really fun and I think we're going to have an absolute blast. 

http://www.carrentalgoldcoast.net.au/

I was somewhat hesitant to agree to go on this trip. I didn't go on a "schoolies" trip after I finished year 12. I didn't think I would given none of my friends were really keen to go anywhere. The other reason was musical. I became quite a "choir nerd" at school in Melbourne, on top of continuing to play a lot of sport. I didn't enjoy school much over here and being involved in music was a very positive kind of "escape" for me.

The school I went to has an end of year Christmas carols service. Most of the kids hate it but the music nerds tend to love it. For a week at the end of the year all the students from years 7-9 had to rehearse with the choir every day for the first 2 lessons of the day. The service has a number of solos in it, which were auditioned for each year. It was very competitive, but I found it to be the kind of competition that encouraged improvement. 

The first year I went to carols, a girl in year 11 had the solo that was the most sought after, a verse of Oh Holy Night in french. She is a very gifted soprano and performed incredibly. From that point,  I wanted to have that solo. The next two years I was given other solos, but other accomplished singers in the year above were rightfully given the one I wanted. At the end of year 12 I got the Oh Holy Night solo. The night of carols coincided with the week that most year 12s were on schoolies. 

In some years, girls would go to schoolies and come back in time for the night of carols. One year a girl who had been given a solo did this and almost had it taken off her when she came back from Byron Bay with barely any voice left. There was no way I was going to miss any rehersal, let alone bathe my vocal chords in booze for a week before hand. 

Singing that solo was a real highlight and I felt so proud to have set a goal and achieve it. However, it was an instance indicative of a habit I've had for a while, avoiding "fun" based rights of passage. As I have written about before, I'm not very good with birthdays. I think in part it's because my family in general has not been all that good at recognising the importance of fun among serious and sensible, though we are improving. I think it is also because I have always enjoyed discipline, focus and structure. Even as a small child, I didn't see the "point" of a lot of the fun things my peers did.

As I have grown up I have come to appreciate that sometimes it is healthy and productive for "fun" to be the point. There has to be a balance, of course, between the fun and the focused. However, not everything you do in life has to be a stepping stone toward a Nobel Prize. Being able to relax and enjoy yourself are important skills that make life a worthwhile experience. In recent years, personal challenges have almost completely eroded my ability to enjoy myself.

So going on this trip is about embracing fun and giving myself permission to live a little more often than I have been. Life is short and precious. Whilst it is a cliche, I guess none of us really know how many chances each of us will get to dance like no one is watching, so I need to get better at taking those opportunities. 

A day I'd rather forget

Saturday was a very difficult day.

We had our dog Suzie for over 7 years. When got her from the Save a Dog Scheme she was already an adult and had been mistreated in her previous home. She was very underweight and didn't have any fur on her nose. She was very timid, would jump at anything and was particularly afraid of men. 

Suzie adjusted to life with our family quickly. Over the next 7 years she became outgoing, loyal and very animated. She has the most expressive face of any dog I have met. She has the most wonderful dog smile and she developed the funniest, quirky friendship with our other dog, Ted. She is loving, loyal and happy.

Whilst her temperament improved dramatically over her years with us, Suzie was still easily unnerved. She is afraid of the hot air balloons that fly over our house most mornings and is always rattled by storms. Her reaction in recent years to anything that unnerved her has been to jump the fence. If were home when she jumped we would let her straight back in. She didn't escape to run away, she would come straight around to the front gate. 

We are busy people, so often we have not been home when Suzie escaped. When no one was home to let her in, she would roam the streets. Recently, she has roamed further and further and has been crossing the freeway. 

We have tried everything we could possibly think of to keep her in. We have taken her to obedience classes, walked her regularly, given her toys and bones, she had another dog for company, we put fence toppers on the fence to add height and for a very short time we even tried a low voltage shock collar. None of these things worked.

It reached the point that the situation had become too dangerous. We did not want Suzie to be hit by a car, nor did we want some poor motorist to go through the awful experience of hitting her. Furthermore, given that we live on a main road and seconds off of a freeway, we had to face the reality the probability of her causing an accident that could not only kill her, but also harm or kill one or more people, was getting higher and higher. That is not something we could let happen. 

It had become clear that we could no longer meet Suzie's needs as her owners as well as honour our civic duty to the users of the roads surrounding our home.

Having to put Suzie up for adoption has been a truly heart breaking experience for the whole family. It took over a week from deciding it needed to happen, to actually doing it because we love her dearly and couldn't bring ourselves to go through with it.

On Saturday when I was at work on my tea break, I received a text message from my Mum asking me if I wanted to say a last goodbye. I replied that I didn't need to say goodbye and that I would be less traumatized if they went ahead and took her without me. In my mind, I had been saying goodbye to her everyday since the decision was made. I had seen her that morning and I could live with that as being our last contact. However, that didn't stop me crying through my tea break.

The people at the Save a Dog Scheme were fantastic. Because they run the pound for our local council they have met Suzie before on her escapades and were aware of our situation. I think they understood how awful we felt about having to give her up and Mum and Katie said they were very good about it all. The Save a Dog Scheme does not put dogs down unless they are too aggressive to be re-homed. They are positive about her prospects to find a new home and so am I. There is no way we could have parted with Suze unless we knew that she would not be put down.

From what Mum and Katie told me, the process of giving her up was far more traumatising for them than for Suze. Suzie was as happy as Larry. Thankfully, whilst I'm sure she loves us, she loves all people and never pined for us when we went away. As long as she is taken care of, she is happy.

I am trying to take comfort in knowing that we tried everything we could to keep Suzie safe, as well as giving her the best 7 years of her life thus far. It had just become a square peg, round hole scenario and we had to do this in order to protect her safety and the safety of local road users. I will try and remind myself of this every time I look out to the table on the deck and don't see her sitting on it. 

It is one thing to try and comprehend this as a human. Ted, now our only dog, does not understand at all why his best friend hasn't come home. He keeps searching the back yard for her. I really wish I could just sit him down and explain it to him. No doubt he will now be spoilt rotten out of our guilt and hopefully it won't take him too long to adjust. 

Goodbye lovely Suzle. We love you so much, we miss you and we trust you will be safe and loved in your new home.

He's pointing at me

We are now heading toward the pointy end of the academic year and I am trying to push through the mental fatigue. 

Now that I have decided on my course for next year, it has become a challenge to remain engaged with the task at hand. You see, my results for this semester will be published too late to be considered as part of my application for my new course. And of the units I am currently studying, I will only be able to receive credit for prior learning for one of them. 

On top of that, I am so excited about all things gymnastics and sports administration that I'm finding it hard to make myself do anything else. I would rather spend hours watching physical conditioning exercises on youtube and plan accelerated gymnastics curricula for imaginary gymnasts in the high performance program that currently only exists in my head. 

I would love to sit here and say with honesty that even though this semester will not count for much in the scheme of things, my motivation levels are sky high and I am as focused as ever because I love learning and studying and online quizzes... However, I am but a mere mortal and I have been stuck in a bit of a rut over the past few weeks. It is alarming how quickly bad habits sneak into my routine when I stop keeping an astute eye on them.

The point of this admission is not to dwell on it or to use "being human" or "normal" as an excuse for laziness. As Dr Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and I think the old, bald, rich guy is right about that. I need to lift my game and to do my best to remind myself that even if this semester won't directly impact my immediate tertiary path, I will still be pretty annoyed at myself if I under perform. 

When I think about the histories of the people I admire; athletes, musicians, humanitarians or family members, I am reminded that it is often hard to see how important the particular step you are taking right now could be in the path of your life. What I'm doing right now might not seem important, but if I treat it that way then I significantly reduce the chances of something great coming from it. 

I often get stuck dreaming in the "big picture" that I forget that "big pictures" are made up of lots of tiny pieces. Lives are made up of tiny pieces, too. 

I think of it like a mosaic. Everyday that you put in your best effort, a little shiny coloured tile is added to the picture. Everyday that you don't, a boring, brown, matte one is slotted in its place. I get frustrated in the "here and now" when the task of putting together an entire shiny picture is too great a task, which ironically results in a brown tile sort of day. I forget that if I just put down only little shiny tile each day, it won't be as long as I think until the picture I want to see appears. 

The other habit I have is not being able to commit to the design of my mosaic. As soon as I make some progress on one pretty design, I think that another one might be better and start a new one. This is a problem that comes about from having many different skill sets and interests and a lack of discipline (or perhaps wisdom) to stick to any one thing. I think this has left me with a lot of half finished mosaics. 

I don't think I need to necessarily do one thing for the rest of my life, but I have certainly realised that the time has come for me to put the blinkers on and establish myself in one field. There are advantages to being a professional generalist, but it seems to take a long time to create any one full picture when you are always working on many. 

At the end of the day, we each decide what is important in our own lives and "right now" rarely the wrong time to get back on track. 

I have also slowly learned that piling a tonne of pressure to fix everything myself usually just makes the problem worse. I will be out recruiting the people I might need for some extra support. 

I know I am not the only one to whom asking for help does not come naturally, feels like an admission of inadequacy and prompts a fear of placing a burden on those you like or love. 

In my experience, when someone close to me is struggling I like to think I can usually tell. Most of the time I am concerned and want to help, but end up frustrated when I'm told their isn't a problem (when clearly there is). I have tried to remember this recently, and I try to remind myself that most people like helping the people they care about. In most cases people would actually prefer to help as it makes them feel included, useful and they know how to best accommodate your needs if the problem you are facing has changed them. You are usually doing that person a favour by letting them in. 

And provided that you surround yourself with well intended folk, thinking less of you is probably the last thing from that person's mind.