He's pointing at me

We are now heading toward the pointy end of the academic year and I am trying to push through the mental fatigue. 

Now that I have decided on my course for next year, it has become a challenge to remain engaged with the task at hand. You see, my results for this semester will be published too late to be considered as part of my application for my new course. And of the units I am currently studying, I will only be able to receive credit for prior learning for one of them. 

On top of that, I am so excited about all things gymnastics and sports administration that I'm finding it hard to make myself do anything else. I would rather spend hours watching physical conditioning exercises on youtube and plan accelerated gymnastics curricula for imaginary gymnasts in the high performance program that currently only exists in my head. 

I would love to sit here and say with honesty that even though this semester will not count for much in the scheme of things, my motivation levels are sky high and I am as focused as ever because I love learning and studying and online quizzes... However, I am but a mere mortal and I have been stuck in a bit of a rut over the past few weeks. It is alarming how quickly bad habits sneak into my routine when I stop keeping an astute eye on them.

The point of this admission is not to dwell on it or to use "being human" or "normal" as an excuse for laziness. As Dr Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and I think the old, bald, rich guy is right about that. I need to lift my game and to do my best to remind myself that even if this semester won't directly impact my immediate tertiary path, I will still be pretty annoyed at myself if I under perform. 

When I think about the histories of the people I admire; athletes, musicians, humanitarians or family members, I am reminded that it is often hard to see how important the particular step you are taking right now could be in the path of your life. What I'm doing right now might not seem important, but if I treat it that way then I significantly reduce the chances of something great coming from it. 

I often get stuck dreaming in the "big picture" that I forget that "big pictures" are made up of lots of tiny pieces. Lives are made up of tiny pieces, too. 

I think of it like a mosaic. Everyday that you put in your best effort, a little shiny coloured tile is added to the picture. Everyday that you don't, a boring, brown, matte one is slotted in its place. I get frustrated in the "here and now" when the task of putting together an entire shiny picture is too great a task, which ironically results in a brown tile sort of day. I forget that if I just put down only little shiny tile each day, it won't be as long as I think until the picture I want to see appears. 

The other habit I have is not being able to commit to the design of my mosaic. As soon as I make some progress on one pretty design, I think that another one might be better and start a new one. This is a problem that comes about from having many different skill sets and interests and a lack of discipline (or perhaps wisdom) to stick to any one thing. I think this has left me with a lot of half finished mosaics. 

I don't think I need to necessarily do one thing for the rest of my life, but I have certainly realised that the time has come for me to put the blinkers on and establish myself in one field. There are advantages to being a professional generalist, but it seems to take a long time to create any one full picture when you are always working on many. 

At the end of the day, we each decide what is important in our own lives and "right now" rarely the wrong time to get back on track. 

I have also slowly learned that piling a tonne of pressure to fix everything myself usually just makes the problem worse. I will be out recruiting the people I might need for some extra support. 

I know I am not the only one to whom asking for help does not come naturally, feels like an admission of inadequacy and prompts a fear of placing a burden on those you like or love. 

In my experience, when someone close to me is struggling I like to think I can usually tell. Most of the time I am concerned and want to help, but end up frustrated when I'm told their isn't a problem (when clearly there is). I have tried to remember this recently, and I try to remind myself that most people like helping the people they care about. In most cases people would actually prefer to help as it makes them feel included, useful and they know how to best accommodate your needs if the problem you are facing has changed them. You are usually doing that person a favour by letting them in. 

And provided that you surround yourself with well intended folk, thinking less of you is probably the last thing from that person's mind.