Tomorrow, tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be driving over to the Bellarine Peninsula to get ready for my rural placement in Torquay. I am lucky enough to be staying with my aunt and uncle down in Ocean Grove, about 30 minutes from where I'll be stationed. It is a beautiful part of the world, down by the beach and the weather should be nice. 

On one hand I like the idea of seeing some action, but really I'd prefer the good folk of Torquay to keep themselves safe, healthy and out of trouble so that I don't end up in a situation where I'm completely out of my depth. 

I feel completely out of my depth even going on a placement having been at uni for 6 weeks and not even knowing how to take blood pressure yet. I keep reminding myself that I won't have to do anything I'm not trained to do and that I'll be working with people who have dealt with first year students before. 

The mid semester break is just about over and I'm annoyed at how little academic progress I've made. I didn't anticipate that I'd be so tired from just 6 weeks of work. Mid semester break was what I was the reward I kept reminding myself was coming, now I have assignments and exams ahead of me. Now that break is over, I have to come up with a new "light" to look toward for part two of the tunnel.

I've being doing exams since I was in year 6 so they are not exactly new, but it has been a long time since I had to do exams that were based almost entirely on rote learning. It is a large volume of information that I will have to recall and that intimidates me. 

Something struck me today, though. I was in the change rooms at the gym, I had walked there to burn off some steam because something at home had irritated me. I was grumpy and frustrated and didn't feel like doing the workout I knew I had to do. 

I have to get over myself. I've tried to be kind to myself and not criticize for finding the adjustment difficult. I've done that now and now it's time to get on with it. The only way I'm going to get what I want out of the next 6 weeks is to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to get my head in the game.

I think we've all established that whilst I think paramedics is a great course and a wonderful profession, I haven't taken to it the way I thought I would. I might change my mind, but I don't want to complete it. I'm enjoying the academic side of it, but the more I learn about the job itself the more I see that it is not a good fit for me. This has been a disappointment. 

That all is what it is but thinking any further about it isn't going help now. I have to put those feelings aside. I need to keep taking things a week at a time, but I need to start thinking about what I'm achieving each week, not just wishing another chunk of time away. Whether I keep going with this course or not I need to do well to give myself the best chance going forward, whatever it is I'm doing. 

The time for fear and angst has passed and the time to put my big girl pants on and get properly stuck in is now.