Failing at life

I finally start uni tomorrow. I finally have been given a graduation ceremony date for my Arts degree (19th of April, if anyone's interested). I also realised that I failed to submit my preferences for rural placements because I thought the web page closed at midnight, not 5pm.

I will be sending a grovelling email to the clinical placement department tomorrow. I wasn't anticipating that I'd have to write one of those this early on in the piece. Eugh.

I went to my cousin's 10th birthday party today instead of playing golf. I also had to miss the new members' clinic because Mum had to work and I couldn't get there on my own. Did I mention I need my licence? None of these things fill me with joy.

I am grumpy and I must get up early tomorrow to go to Frankston.

Nanna shoes

I'm so tired. I can't believe I've only worked 20 hours this week. It feels more like 100. Whilst definitely less mentally challenging, being on your feet on a cement floor for hours on end is much more physically demanding than trying to keep lawyers and secretaries from having tantrums.

I have gigantic blisters on my heels that are bigger than 50c pieces. After my first two shifts, wearing normal "comfortable" leather ballet flats, my feet were so monstered that I made the decision to spend money I don't really have on some practical shoes. 

Say hello to the ugliest, most comfortable shoes I now own. 

I love them. They are so comfortable, it's like walking on a cloud of baby seals. I have come to like ugly, practical shoes meant for the over 50s quite a lot. They fit my orthotics in them, my feet don't hurt a quarter as much by the end of a shift and I'm  not doing any horrible damage to my joints or back whilst wearing them. I'm also impatient and often end up walking long distances instead of waiting for buses or trains or whoever might pick me up.

I have some beautiful shoes but I love wearing comfortable shoes. It is so nice just to be able to walk around and have them stay on your feet. I don't need every part of me to be used to make a statement of fashion or status. I like the part of my being that serves a purpose and function far greater than the inevitable emitting of an aesthetic. I like looking nice as much as the next person but the Nanna side of me likes to be able to use my feet for their intended purpose, walking. 

Frazzled featuring Babar

I have to get more regimented in my planning. 

I'm tired and a little grumpy. My day was very productive, though, which was nice. 

I booked my hazards test and my driving test. I will be sitting my driving test at 8am on March the 24th! Hopefully, in 29 days I will have my licence. 

Katie got her red Ps yesterday and was able to drop me at work today, which was really cool.

My second shift was easier to get through than the first. The shop wasn't as busy and it was for my first shift and the shift was an hour and a half shorter. At the moment, I like working the tills the best, interacting with customers has been nicer than stocking shelves thus far. I returned my contract today; I was happy to see the back of it, given that it took one and a half hours to complete. Hopefully I'll make it onto the payroll to get paid by next Thursday, I sure as hell need the money! I've been putting off buying my books and equipment because I can't stand seeing another big chunk of money leave my account until I've had some actually come in.

I'm annoyed because I didn't find the time to exercise today. Everyone is busy and yacks on about how busy they are. I'm not sitting here thinking I have the busiest schedule of all and flapping about about my busyness in order to generate a false sense of self-importance. I'm sitting here hoping I'll be able to become disciplined enough to fit everything I want and need to do into a week and freaking out at the prospect that I might not be able to. There are somethings that I just need to have in my life in order to have some chance of functioning healthily and exercise is one of them.

I knew I was going to have more on my plate with having a job again and the increased hours at uni. Until I get my licence I will be spending 3hours a day, 4 days a week just getting there and back. I will spend 25 hours on campus (20 hours of class, 5 hours of break) and have 13.5 hours of paid work. I haven't sorted out a team based sporting activity for this semester and I haven't worked out what I'm going to do singing-wise this year either. On the campus tour the guide said that there is mixed netball on campus, hopefully that will be workable. 

Fear and acute feelings of deficiency have been affecting me lately. Am I going to be any good at my course? Am I going to be any good at my job? Do I even want to be a paramedic? Will  I be good enough at interacting with all different kinds of people? Will I make any friends at uni? Will it be fun? Will people think I'm weird? (They'd be right if they do!) There are many more questions floating around in my head, but they are far more self-deprecating. 

My head if full of doubt. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

This is from PostSecret. PostSecret is a website people can anonymously post their secrets to. Existential awareness creeps up on all of us and when it does, it can be scary. I loved Babar, he reminds me somewhat of my beloved, departed  Pa.