Paramedics Week 5: Survived!

This week was made so much easier by having my licence. Feeling so uncertain about my future and my studies was the catalyst for a cycle of self-doubt that has been eating away at my perception of my own abilities. Unexpectedly passing my licence test was a confidence boost I desperately needed.

Commuting is exhausting and I have a new found respect for those who regularly travel long distances on public transport. As you all know, I have been feeling very unsettled about all things uni lately and the stress of having to get up early, get home late and constantly be racing around like a headless chook to make the train had really unsettled me. I didn't feel like I was able to unwind, no matter what I did. Being able to drive to uni 2 days a week this week made a huge difference to my temperament. Being able to get a bit of extra sleep has also been fantastic, especially given how unwell I was last week.

Driving itself has been a lot of fun. My first trip out to Frankston was a little terrifying but I drove out and back today and had a blast. I quite like starting the day by tearing down the Monash and Eastlink  at 100km/hr (which is the speed limit on those roads for the non-Victorians reading), ipod blaring and singing at the top of my lungs. 

The past few years have been so challenging and have pushed me to limit of my resilience. When I first started to learn to drive I was "in a bad place" as modern psychobabble would say; my family had dealt with the illness and eventual death of my Pa and a number of major acute illnesses and a major surgery as well as some serious relationship tensions. 

I think it took me so long to learn to drive because the little world I lived in seemed  volatile and I didn't trust that something wouldn't go horribly wrong. I was also not coping with the day in day out stresses of my life and was too mentally exhausted to take on a new skill. 

Getting my licence has been a major break through and I feel more capable and functional as a person for the first time in a long time.

The census date for uni will pass tomorrow and I committed to seeing out this semester to myself this week. I knew I was up for a challenge by entering this kind of course, but I will admit that I didn't think I was going to be so exhausted and I didn't think that by the end of week 4 that I'd be seriously contemplating dropping out. Starting my new job only a week before I started uni didn't help one bit.

I have decided to keep going with paramedics for a number of reasons. I don't want to give myself permission to quit at this point. Quitting at this point would have been giving up. I think that even if I don't go onto to become a paramedic, studying this course is teaching me so many valuable lessons about hard work and perseverance and that is reason enough at this point to keep going. I need more time to work out if I want to continue with paramedics long term, so I will continue to take things one week at a time (I sound like an AFL player!) and will have a more considered think at the end of semester.

Uni is heading full steam toward assessment time. This weekend will consist of little more than work, going to the gym, writing an essay and studying for a test! Tonight I had to do a quiz for anatomy and physiology and I doubt I'm going to have time to play golf this weekend. I couldn't play last weekend either because of uni work, so I'm basically planning on moving in down at Southern over the Easter break!

At the end of week 5 I'm finally starting to settle. Thank F**k! It's about time.