Eliza Bee Gee: All I Want is Everything.

Today, I'm thinking about THIS BLOG.

Mainly because I've been sitting here trying to write a coherent piece of text for about an hour. I need a bit of a kick and someone to yell 'stop thinking too much!'. I feel like this guy.

I haven't been here for what feels like a long time.
It feels like I've had absolutely nothing worth saying til now. I didn't think I'd have anything to write ever again.

A few things changed this.

A shopping trip with my father
A song
A friend
A sunny day and
Another thing

The pants were the first thing. I went on a shopping trip with my wonderful father, time spent with just the two of us is rare and precious. We ended up looking for a pair of pants for me. He was rummaging through masses of pants with more enthusiasm than me, pulling out the last pair left in my size, in magenta. He held them up in victory. It was the first smile that came easily.

Then came the song. I was working on an assignment for uni, I remembered my brother had bought some new music. I wanted to listen, not distract myself. I could stand to play it and really listen to it. (Finally Begin - Cold War Kids if you're curious).

Next came a friend. A casual dinner with three intriguingly attractive and witty girls who I hadn't seen in far too long, put me opposite one of my favourite people. It wasn't the exchange of news and current affairs or her snapping of photos for her project (http://ellamumby.tumblr.com/). It was her grinning at me in between snippets of conversation, and her pretty pictures on her tumblr page. I appreciated beautiful things again.

Me + Steph W

This day with blue sky and a visible sun helped. I realised that my favourite time of year is nearly here, when the magnolia tree outside flowers. I haven't really noticed that until today. The sun has some warmth today that hasn't been completely obliterated by wind from Antarctica.

Another thing happened. Something I didn't think would ever happen to somebody like me. I'm not the type to publicly disclose (ha ha). But I will say one thing.
Love is a contradiction.
It's true. Sometimes it hurts a lot. But it's the best pain I've ever had.
I don't know why he puts up with my antics. I'm very happy that he does though. It's not what I thought it would be. Scary, strange and wonderful.

If I'm honest, all I want is everything. I want my life to look and be beautiful. I've wanted my struggles to be justified, amount to some kind of creative brilliance. I want to help, not be helped. Be strong. Thank those who help me through. I want my happiness to be spectacular. After being stuck in a medically induced darkness, and finally starting to find my way out, I know enough. I will be better. I will find myself again. I will love my life again. I will be everything.

KBG x